– Written October 9, 2013 (5 weeks)
Beginnings foster surreal excitement. They are moments when the whole world feels like it is within your grasp.
The moment Josh and I decided to “pull the goalie” I was flush with the kind of excitement that is rarely experienced. It’s the kind of excitement that you don’t realize you are experiencing until your mom catches you blushing and grinning at a text message from your boyfriend or girlfriend. It also feels like Christmas morning when you anticipate opening the gifts under the tree. Anyway, my cheeks constantly held a lively shade of scarlet and I couldn’t keep a grin off my face.
I started looking up my symptoms. Every new bodily experience of mine brought up pregnancy links first. In these links “I knew” became a broken record – women just seemed to sense when they were pregnant even before missing their period or taking a test. I grew more fearful that I wouldn’t “know” like these women did. I wanted to have this seemingly divine experience with my baby and know it was there before a test told me so. Almost right away I had inklings of knowing but I told myself it was probably unlikely just so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
Then there was simply no denying it. I remember telling Josh I would be concerned about my aching breasts and surprised if I wasn’t pregnant. Finally, I was so confident I even started praying for our little baby before I even took the test.
Josh and I decided we wanted to find out together rather than have me surprise him with the news. I was 5 days late for my period when he got home from tour so almost right after I got home from work we both went into the bathroom to take the test. Ordinarily I am a pee-in-a-cup pro, but this time I totally botched it up. To my relief, Josh appeared engrossed in other things and missed my moment of shame. I didn’t want to sneak glances at the little dipstick because I really wanted Josh to discover the answer first. So I left the bathroom but when I came back to grab something I could see “pregnant” in my periphery. I gasped, picked it up for closer examination, then turned it to Josh. We stared, wide-eyed at each other for a fraction of a second then I fell into his arms with tears in my eyes. For good measure, we left the test out on the counter until the battery died – I couldn’t help but think the test just might change its mind.
I already love where this new journey is taking me and Josh. He’s already so sweet, offering to cook me food, packing my lunch, and seeking to meet my every whim. I will not be demanding. In fact, so far I beat him to the punch on these things and often reply, “oh, I already packed my lunch” or “oh, I already did that.” But it is awesome knowing he wants to be so present and helpful. I know he’s anxiously awaiting the advent of my cravings. I just hope he’s not too disappointed if what I want is something like broccoli instead of pizza or Oreos.
And now, as I write this, I am keeping the biggest secret of my life when all I want to do is tell the whole world! Today I was asked by one of my new co-workers if Josh and I had children. I wanted to say yes, but paused for a fraction of a second before I answered with, “no, but we have two dogs.” I feel like I’m lying. But, I suppose, to a lot of people, the eye-of-a-needle sized person I’m carrying with me is not a life yet. But to me, this is my child and I am already fiercely protective. I can only pray and hope that my body is so kind and nurturing to this little cutie and anticipate the day when I can protect them with my own arms.
The best part of all of this though, is the love I feel from my Father. I didn’t expect to get pregnant right away. I set these expectations because I am aware it is often times takes several months for even the healthiest of couples to conceive. When I saw our positive pregnancy test I was overtaken by a feeling or warmth and love – like God was giving me a long congratulatory hug and whispering “I love you” the whole time. I feel so blessed to have conceived right away.
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