-written April 6, 2018
Weaning you has been bittersweet. I truly wanted to take you past two like I did your sister. And though I’ve only nursed you three times total in the last two weeks, the past couple days you’ve asked persistently after your nap, growing increasingly desperate with each ask. Alternative milk is not pacifying you either like it has other times you’ve asked. It breaks my heart because a small part of me wants to give in, the part that loves you so and wants to give you that comfort and nourishment, but the much more dominating pregnant part of me is so fiercely averse to nursing that I stand my ground firmly and just hold you tight whispering sweet things in your ear intead. I not only want a break from breastfeeding for the first time in almost four years, but the sensation of nursing while pregnant is so uncomfortable it makes me cringe inwardly and sometimes outwardly. I wish I would will myself to be that much more selfless to give you what you request as long as you want, but I’m too tired and tapped out. I’m so sorry. I pray we get through this last weaning hurdle smoothly and quickly. I’ve been working you down in feedings for months, but cutting you off completely has proven to be a hill you’re willing to cry on perpetually. Please Penny, for both of us, let my loves and hugs and snuggles and alternate options be enough from now on. I hate hurting you by saying no to your request every day.
I love you so much,