In a land where things are broken I cannot help but want a future where things are not. The pull switch for the pantry gets jammed just about every time I try to use it now. So I stand there pulling until it gives or just walk away hoping it will solve itself. The refrigerator makes an epic grinding sound every time it’s relaunching the process of refrigeration and bow out with an almost musical succession of clanks and thunks. The internet, although actually new, phases in and out consciousness as though its trying to keep up with the general mode of dysfunction in this home. There is no airconditioning and only three of our seventeen windows open.
I just finished taking the dogs for a walk. They managed to poop three times each, that is a lot of doggie bags. I like to walk in the mornings between 7 and 10 because I only see a couple people. If I go in the afternoon or evening there are a whole slew of eyes saying lustful things about me. I do not even go at night for fear I will not come home the same, or at all.
Despite this though, I do admire the charming older houses I pass. My favorites are a quaint, yellow box one and a brick cottage on the corner.
This brings me back to wanting unbroken things. I dream of a house of my own where if things are broken I can fix them and reap the benefits of that. I dream of a house where I can have a vegetable garden in the summer and a greenhouse and chickens and fruit trees. I want to live sustainably. I dream of a house that I can have my design on every inch. And I dream of a house with an acre sized plot that is fenced or in a quiet enough place for the dogs to run free without my envisioning them being plastered to the pavement out the front window.
But I have to wonder, are such dream only worldly desires? Are they desires of my heart that are worthy of being granted or am I being selfish. After all, I am a musician’s wife and a photographer. Perhaps our finances will never spell out “house.” But after getting all of this our into the cool, fresh air after the rain I feel I am most thankful that my life has managed to spell out “dogs” and “husband” and “employment.”