a Photo a Day | March 18 – 24

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

Aaaaalright! I am back and gonna be on a roll! With over a week of blog posts to catch up on buckle down and get ready for a whole slew of photographic blog posts! First up, the long delayed “a Photo a Day” post.

Friday I will be posting last week’s images 🙂

Monday: a Sunshine Moment Studio Wedding Album | Liz + Phil

Tuesday: “Hurting Hands” is a piece I was commissioned to do for the Passion Art Walk, please check out the full blog post (and a larger image) HERE

Wednesday: I was given several bouquets of flowers for my Studio Grand Opening party and they are too much fun to photograph 🙂

Thursday: Sunshine Wedding Album | Kathy + Ryan (full blog post coming soon)

Friday: Citizen Way at Fort Wayne, IN (full blog post coming soon)

Saturday: Citizen Way at Liberty Township, OH (full blog post coming soon)

Sunday: VIP Passion Art Walk Formal Reception (full blog post coming soon)

Starts and Grief

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

This was written yesterday but I only got in WIFI now 🙂

Normally, starts are hard. Lately, they are impossible.

With the loss of my grandma it’s like the creative side of my brain walked out of my head, leaving only a suicide note behind. You might be thinking, “well, that’s not very convincing since you’re writing this perfectly normal blog right now.” Well, this was the only idea I had – sometimes when I can’t write or do anything else I write about the inability to write. I think I’m hoping that by “admitting my problem” I will come out on the other side a whole person again 😉

Bottom line, I’ve learned that no two grieving experiences are alike. However, I have noticed that one thing is the same: I become someone completely different with each loss. This is never a permanent or complete transformation, it’s more like someone else takes over my emotional and mental capacities for a time.

In my first grieving experience I melted into a sort of numb, nothingness. It felt like sleepwalking but with a vague awareness and the ability to access my mental capacities. This form of grieving had everyone fooled – on the outside I appeared to not only be back to normal but to be conquering the world while on the inside I was hollow,

Another grieving experience had me suddenly overridden by worry. Because of this I had a sudden appreciation for worriers. How do they manage to successfully get through the day? I am dumbfounded because in that season worry crippled me.

This time I lost half my brain. I feel as if any words I write are disjointed and confusing and any pictures I take or edit are clinging to what I know for lack of inspiration to go bigger. Every day I wake up hopeful, “today is the day I get my brain back,” only to find less of it there than the day before.

Finally I called my mom – she is a wealth of encouragement and wisdom and did not fail me in this predicament. She simply recommended I cut myself some slack and take a day off. On this day off I’m supposed to do two things: take a mental break and go get inspired. My job is to keep my computer off for a whole day and spend my time leisurely reading, wandering around outdoors, or doing anything else unrelated to my work. To get inspired she suggested taking a trip to the museum. I love that advice and am acting on it today.

Last night I got a call from my father-in-law asking me if I wanted to hitch a ride to see the guys play in Indiana and Ohio. I puzzled over the pros and cons of the scenario and ultimately resolved that, not only would this trip allow me to see Josh play, but it would give me my much needed break. So, this blog is me signing off for the weekend. Wish me luck in my hunt for the rest of my brain 😉

Miss Independent is Back

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

I have seen Josh for about five whole days in the last month and a half or so. For this Redeemed Tour Citizen Way started up in our neck of the woods then headed down south, all the way west, up to Washington and over to Montana and then, finally, one month later I picked him up at a McDonald’s off the freeway in MN. He had gone a total of around 8094 miles and 128 hours of driving for 19 shows at 19 different venues in 12 different states in 31 days and only slept 2 – 5 hours per night. Josh and Ben Blascoe split all those miles and all those hours in the driver’s seat of their 15 passenger van.

This map shows the first 31 days of the tour, February 1 – March 4.

Needless to say, after all those miles with high energy and sold out shows in so many cities and states Josh was in need of some serious sleep. Instead, he meets me in Minnesota to sing for my Grandma’s memorial service. For him this meant sacrificing his big need for rest and pouring any remaining energy into loving on me, working on memorial service details, and entertaining my extended family. And he did it all with such grace and love. He is incredible.

If you haven’t guessed, marriage for us is different.

Because of all our time apart and weeks spent fending for myself I have found that I have reconnected with the little Miss Independent from my teenage years. While Josh is gone I adopt a different lifestyle; I work all morning, around 1 or 2 I take a break or a nap, I get back to work, and come evening I read a book until I’m sleepy. I mix it up with the occasional hang with a friend, a walk with the dogs, a home project, or some knitting. It’s seems to be a very healthy pattern. Instead of powering through 8 – 10 hours of work every day I put in 4 or 5, take a break so I can power back up and get excited and inspired, then I work the remaining 4 to 5 hours.

I also have a whole manner of affairs to tend to on my own. Because of these little items I have to work on I have been finding that at the end of every day I feel very accomplished. By sweeping, doing the dishes, buying groceries, juicing, getting the oil changed, shoveling the driveway, clipping the dog’s nails, or paying bills I can feel like I’ve been productive even if I’ve only been working on editing the same wedding for three days straight.

Then Josh comes home and we try to squeeze in as much togetherness as my work load can afford. It’s a confusing back and forth because on one had I’m left to fend for myself and on the other hand I suddenly have someone around 24/7. Talk about some whiplash. We’re still navigating how to go between these two extremes in the ways that are easiest and most beneficial for both of us. For the rest of this Redeemed Tour the art of this back-and-forth will be put to the test. According to the schedule Josh is gone 4 – 5 days at a time then he’s home for 2 – 3. As for today and the rest of this week I am Miss Independent, then come Monday I am a Mrs again for a couple of days 😉

A Musician’s Wife’s Reality

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

Wednesday Words

My friend Becky posted this blog yesterday morning and inspired me to share my similar, yet different story.

A traditional marriage has a stay-at-home mom, kids, and a 9 – 5 working husband. In this model the husband works all day to provide for the family while the wife stays at home caring for the kids and then they all get to spend the evening and weekends together.

A couple of years ago, within a month, Josh and I both transitioned into full-time self-employment. A year later Citizen Way, Josh’s band, was signed and I had to wean off of most of my part-time/freelance gigs to put enough time into my business, a Sunshine Moment.

As a result, in my marriage, I am the bread-winner right now, which is a joke because I am an artist, and my husband sometimes spends weeks at a time away from the house. This makes me responsible for taking care of our home, making the money, doing our budget, paying the bills, taking care of the dogs, and taking care of myself. I’ve become all too aware that this wouldn’t be nearly as difficult if I was single and only paying bills for one person while splitting the rent with a roommate or two. Not to mention, I’d have people around.

So, as Josh is gone for days or weeks at a time I work overtime in my little corner to pay our bills. I don’t complain anymore. Yes, this means I used to. I used to take it hard when Josh left for a few days at a time. Now our normal is weeks at a time so I push any inconvenient feelings into a box in the back corner of my brain and lock them back there.

Most people think what we have is ideal. I mean we’re doing what we love and getting paid for it right? Yes we are doing what we love. But, currently, Josh isn’t really getting paid for it and I’m barely getting paid for it. It’s the fact of our life and a risk we have to take in hopes that money will come eventually.

So this is my norm. And after this past week, I would take that every day if I didn’t have to live what I’m living right now…

On Thursday Josh left for 4+ weeks of nonstop touring.

On Friday my mom called to tell me my Grandma decided to stop dialysis (this means she has about 2 weeks to live).

On Sunday that knowledge, despite my best efforts of to contain it, traveled from my head to my heart and spilled over as buckets of messy, snotty tears.

Yesterday I was pushed further. Sam first snatched a chocolate chip cookie right off the table while I was in the bathroom. When I found him all that was left were crumbs and chocolate smears all over my couch. A couple hours later I came home from running a vital errand for the band to find he’d managed to get into the bathroom and distribute the contents of the trash all over the house and snatch the box of donuts off of a different table and polish them off.

Something in me snapped. After almost throwing Sam out of the house to be in time out I melted to a puddle of wailing in the middle of my kitchen floor. I picked myself up only to crumple again onto the more favorable, carpeted floor of the living room. When I finally reached a state of numbness, I let Sam in, and spent the next two hours completely still and silent on my couch. I dozed in-between bouts of just staring at the wall. I have never felt so alone and helpless.

The worst part is I told myself I would be strong because there’s nothing worse than having a needy wife at home making a mess of herself. But it appears I can only manage for so long before succumbing to my black hole of remorse.

My grandma does not know Jesus. So even though she is still alive my fear and grief for her soul is consuming my whole body. I have prayed for her consistently for a year and a half and now and with only two weeks left to reach her I simply feel hopeless.

Perhaps this is me reaching out for help. But all I really want is for my grandma to find Jesus so I ask that you simply pray your hearts out for her because the prayers of one broken-hearted girl is not enough anymore.

Confession of a Musician’s Wife

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

I can’t sleep, my stomach is in knots, and, as of yesterday, I’m prone to random swells of tears. My husband is leaving on a long trip and now that it’s crunch time I do not seem to be faring well.

Citizen Way is going on tour, first with Mike’s Chair then with Big Daddy Weave and Chris August. He leaves tomorrow and the tour goes until May.

As I am, once again, awake in the wee hours of the morning I am pondering my creeping sadness I slowly realized that perhaps I feel ill and find it utterly impossible to go to sleep, and then to stay asleep past 2:30am, because my heart is already broken and I am in a sort of state of mourning. I already feel lonely and he’s literally sleeping right behind me.

Before I surrendered to my wakefulness today I lay in bed for about an hour thinking on my ridiculousness when suddenly it dawned on me that perhaps I’m not crazy for feeling torn up at the prospect of being left behind by the one that holds my heart. Even though my mission in life was not to wed but to roam the world with my camera in hand for magazines like Life, Time, and National Geographic I find that the independent woman I was before Josh isn’t quite so tough anymore. I kept trying to give myself the pep talk I would always give myself in my friendless elementary and middle school years, “buck up Kaia, stop being a wimp.” But instead I found myself realizing that even if I didn’t have Josh I would at least have a roommate. And then I realized that I could only think of one other person I know that lives alone and that they happen to be miserable. So, maybe I am not wrong for fretting about a new unknown territory in the land of loneliness I am venturing into. I’m worried about the colors it will bring out in me. I’m worried I’ll succumb to moping around the house and spending my waking hours staring bug-eyed at my TV as I seek comfort in every Disney movie I own. I’m worried I’ll either get so lost in this world of loneliness that I’ll forget to eat and take care of myself and our home. And I’m worried that my friends will be too busy for a temporarily widowed woman. All this, coming from the girl who so boldly declared she would be perfectly fine on her own during this long tour, is a bit unsettling. And perhaps I’m being ridiculous, but, like I said, I simply don’t know what to expect.

This is quite a lot to tell the world on a blog, but, lets face it, you’ve made it to the end so apparently you were interested. And, as I thought about my feelings and how I was due to write a FACT or FUN blog today, I realized all I really wanted and should do is tell this tale. Because, not only is this story heavy on my heart, it is the very reason I committed to blogging; I set out to honestly share what the reality of doing life with a member of a touring Christian rock band is like. The idea was born over breakfast at Benedict’s with Papa Calhoun, Joshua, and Brother Ben. We decided I should tap into the stories that come out of band life – whether on the road or back at home with the wives and children. We all decided they are the kinds of stories we would love to hear from our favorite famous people and that perhaps we should divulge for Citizen Way’s friends and fans.

So, here you have it, the truth that rests at the pit of my stomach and the reality of Josh’s work.

Blessings on whatever journey you find yourself on!