I can’t sleep, my stomach is in knots, and, as of yesterday, I’m prone to random swells of tears. My husband is leaving on a long trip and now that it’s crunch time I do not seem to be faring well.
Citizen Way is going on tour, first with Mike’s Chair then with Big Daddy Weave and Chris August. He leaves tomorrow and the tour goes until May.
As I am, once again, awake in the wee hours of the morning I am pondering my creeping sadness I slowly realized that perhaps I feel ill and find it utterly impossible to go to sleep, and then to stay asleep past 2:30am, because my heart is already broken and I am in a sort of state of mourning. I already feel lonely and he’s literally sleeping right behind me.
Before I surrendered to my wakefulness today I lay in bed for about an hour thinking on my ridiculousness when suddenly it dawned on me that perhaps I’m not crazy for feeling torn up at the prospect of being left behind by the one that holds my heart. Even though my mission in life was not to wed but to roam the world with my camera in hand for magazines like Life, Time, and National Geographic I find that the independent woman I was before Josh isn’t quite so tough anymore. I kept trying to give myself the pep talk I would always give myself in my friendless elementary and middle school years, “buck up Kaia, stop being a wimp.” But instead I found myself realizing that even if I didn’t have Josh I would at least have a roommate. And then I realized that I could only think of one other person I know that lives alone and that they happen to be miserable. So, maybe I am not wrong for fretting about a new unknown territory in the land of loneliness I am venturing into. I’m worried about the colors it will bring out in me. I’m worried I’ll succumb to moping around the house and spending my waking hours staring bug-eyed at my TV as I seek comfort in every Disney movie I own. I’m worried I’ll either get so lost in this world of loneliness that I’ll forget to eat and take care of myself and our home. And I’m worried that my friends will be too busy for a temporarily widowed woman. All this, coming from the girl who so boldly declared she would be perfectly fine on her own during this long tour, is a bit unsettling. And perhaps I’m being ridiculous, but, like I said, I simply don’t know what to expect.
This is quite a lot to tell the world on a blog, but, lets face it, you’ve made it to the end so apparently you were interested. And, as I thought about my feelings and how I was due to write a FACT or FUN blog today, I realized all I really wanted and should do is tell this tale. Because, not only is this story heavy on my heart, it is the very reason I committed to blogging; I set out to honestly share what the reality of doing life with a member of a touring Christian rock band is like. The idea was born over breakfast at Benedict’s with Papa Calhoun, Joshua, and Brother Ben. We decided I should tap into the stories that come out of band life – whether on the road or back at home with the wives and children. We all decided they are the kinds of stories we would love to hear from our favorite famous people and that perhaps we should divulge for Citizen Way’s friends and fans.
So, here you have it, the truth that rests at the pit of my stomach and the reality of Josh’s work.
Blessings on whatever journey you find yourself on!
This is a lovely window into a hard place. If you need a change of scenery, you would be warmly welcomed to a certain home in Southern Wisconsin, where there is frequently talk about the pitfalls of a life in ministry, including being a “ministry widow.”
Thanks Nick! It’s always awesome knowing someone is in your corner 🙂
K, I hope that the long months between today and Josh’s return are not as dismal as you fear. I hope that there is enough joy in each day to get you through to the next. I hope that there are things you look forward to, and friends and family to lift you up on the days when you need that extra strength.
Temporarily widowed is an interesting way of describing how you feel, especially in keeping with the difference between suddenly having to go out on your own. I admit to taking an instant dislike to the phrase, but thinking through it, I sort of understand it. Not completely, but sort of. Here’s to hoping that temporarily widowed means that Josh reminds you often that he’s still there with you through this 🙂