They tell me the time will fly and to cherish every moment. They tell me she’ll grow up fast.
But on this night all I know is I’m tired and I’m convinced this phase will last.
Maisy and I have been apart from Josh for two weeks today. There comes a point in the separation when certain things start happening, it’s at about the 10 day marker.
- I start envisioning him everywhere. Yesterday I saw a man that vaguely resembled Josh from behind. I stared after him for a while thinking two things at the same time: wow that’s Josh, when did he get to town; no that can’t be Josh and why would I see him wandering around town before seeing him at home? Yes, this means I do start to go a version of crazy… seeing Josh everywhere.
- Night time with Maisy becomes an event. Two nights ago, she awoke at midnight. I hear her over the monitor and proceed to sleep walk my way to her room to bring her into my bed, as per usual, for the rest of the night. That’s where the normalities ceased. In my not even half awake brain I was fully committed to not breastfeeding her to sleep at the time. I admit, I had a rare moment of being touched out and I was committed to giving my private space some privacy for a change. Well she had something to scream about at that. But since I was still unconscious I deliriously assumed she was crying her head off in frustration about not knowing what door knobs to pick out for the house, not breastfeeding whoas. After mildly coming out of my dreams I started mumbling “shhh” and “no milk right now” and “it’s time to go to sleep” in her direction. She proceeded to wind down on the crying and started to fumble about in the dark for a comfortable position to snuggle. We tried it all and tried and tried again. After an hour of this I was awake enough to have to obey my growling belly. So we went downstairs and I swallowed a bowl cereal while Maisy sat by my feet (my now mini zombie). Back upstairs we went for another hour of her peaceably attempting to snuggle in. And then I gave up completely and we wobbled down the stairs to get some wedding photography edited. Another hour later and Maisy was melting into a puddle of tears and we headed back upstairs. I snuggled in to spoon her and we were out like a couple lights. This morning I awake feeling cruel about the whole experience and so stupid for not even thinking to rock her to sleep. Duh. Apparently so many unaided sleepless nights in a row makes for a brain dead midnight mommy.