Today my world suddenly crumbled beneath me. I can’t specifically pin what started it but all I know is I suddenly, involuntarily succumbed to messy tears. To say the least, nothing was going right and I was feeling significantly lack luster in my line of work.
I stumble outside, hop in my car, turn the ignition .. some whiny noises then the clicking sound of death. She was not going to start. I marched to our other vehicle and she hesitantly gave way to life.
I headed on my way to meet some girl friends at Starbucks while popping in at various establishments to accomplish some errands while in transit. At none of these places did I get helped by anyone I’ve made friends with, nor anyone that was particularly kind; I realized later that was for the best because with my dam threatening to break a kind word would have meant my overflow. So, I made it to the post office, the bank and Starbucks intact; however, I was slowly breaking and my last shred of will power almost crumpled while waiting for the barista to finish my hot chocolate. The girls didn’t pay notice to me except for Erin who simply said she’d meet me back at their place because there were too many of us to fit at Starbucks. Again, thankful nothing else was said because it surely would have meant my end.
I trudged to my car again and felt my face shattering along the way. I hurried my fanny onto my driver’s seat, shut the door, and sobbed. My phone rang and I proceeded to hastily blubber to Josh that I didn’t want to talk and I would talk to him later or something.
“But I kind of need to talk.”
“Fine, you can talk but I don’t want to so I’ll just listen.”
Of course, after he opened up about his trying day I was able to calm my inner storm enough to share my trouble with him.
I had to pop into UPS to drop a package off so we had a brief conversational interval and I’m fairly certain the other customer in the store and the clerk could tell I had been crying but I was all too aware there was nothing I could do about it.
When I got back in the car I spilled over again and was starting to reach hyperventilation.
I finally reached the bottom line of it all in our conversation, I was so lonely I felt sick and I was struck by the realization that with my husband out saving souls with their ministry my job of photography felt utterly meaningless.
It amazes me how, so often in our marriage, he knows just what to say. This time he simply told me he understood and that he knows what it’s like to be walking through a desert. He also said that it is always right after the dry seasons that God pours out the biggest blessings.
Since I had reached the hyperventilation level of blubbering I continued to sob until my emotions ran out. A short walk and two long hugs later I could breathe easy again and sorrow gave way to an unmistakable rise in hope and thankfulness.
Now I am excited to see what lies at the end of this desert. And, even though I live an out-of-the-ordinary marriage with my man on the road, I’m so thankful that the love we share is forever deep and that I have a husband who adores me, misses me, calls me often, and encourages me. Today I count myself so blessed.
Ah Sunshine, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and lonely. I wish I was there to hold you tight and make it all better. I agree with Josh – being in the desert is no fun, but you will have huge blessings on the other side. 🙂
Kaia, your words are beautiful. Nothing you do is meaningless. I mean, this post alone put some of my troubles to light and I can now move forward. End of the desert,so to speak. I’m so sorry you had a rough day and would do anything to give you a quick squeeze and an “it’ll be alright”. Fortunately, it looks like your husband’s got that all under control. Your relationship is one to admire.
Love and miss you, friend. Melissa Knott
Melissa you are so sweet, thank you for your encouragement 🙂
Back in the day when I was a newlywed (3 years), I’d had my second miscarriage, my husband moved to another city and I’d stayed behind to get the house ready to sell. I couldn’t do a great job of getting said house ready because I had some limitations to what I was physically able to do.
God sent me some WONDERFUL friends. (I mean, really, they packed and detail cleaned my house while I lay on the sofa giving orders).
And while our situations are completely different the thing that I learned that I’d like to pass along to you is to TRUST the support system God provides. Do NOT EVER be afraid to lean on your friends.
(And trust also that someday people will lean on you – and you will be strong enough for them).
Mary Wu (friend of J&B)
That is an incredible story Mary, and I love the name you gave your self 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement. My friends have been so amazing! Couldn’t do it without them!
Pingback: 100th Blog Post Giveaway | Musings of a Musician's Wife