Tag Archives: marriage

Wednesday Words: Walking through a Desert

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Today my world suddenly crumbled beneath me.  I can’t specifically pin what started it but all I know is I suddenly, involuntarily succumbed to messy tears.  To say the least, nothing was going right and I was feeling significantly lack luster in my line of work.

I stumble outside, hop in my car, turn the ignition .. some whiny noises then the clicking sound of death.  She was not going to start.  I marched to our other vehicle and she hesitantly gave way to life.

I headed on my way to meet some girl friends at Starbucks while popping in at various establishments to accomplish some errands while in transit.  At none of these places did I get helped by anyone I’ve made friends with, nor anyone that was particularly kind; I realized later that was for the best because with my dam threatening to break a kind word would have meant my overflow.  So, I made it to the post office, the bank and Starbucks intact; however, I was slowly breaking and my last shred of will power almost crumpled while waiting for the barista to finish my hot chocolate.  The girls didn’t pay notice to me except for Erin who simply said she’d meet me back at their place because there were too many of us to fit at Starbucks.  Again, thankful nothing else was said because it surely would have meant my end.

I trudged to my car again and felt my face shattering along the way.  I hurried my fanny onto my driver’s seat, shut the door, and sobbed.  My phone rang and I proceeded to hastily blubber to Josh that I didn’t want to talk and I would talk to him later or something.

“But I kind of need to talk.”

“Fine, you can talk but I don’t want to so I’ll just listen.”

Of course, after he opened up about his trying day I was able to calm my inner storm enough to share my trouble with him.

I had to pop into UPS to drop a package off so we had a brief conversational interval and I’m fairly certain the other customer in the store and the clerk could tell I had been crying but I was all too aware there was nothing I could do about it.

When I got back in the car I spilled over again and was starting to reach hyperventilation.

I finally reached the bottom line of it all in our conversation, I was so lonely I felt sick and I was struck by the realization that with my husband out saving souls with their ministry my job of photography felt utterly meaningless.

It amazes me how, so often in our marriage, he knows just what to say.  This time he simply told me he understood and that he knows what it’s like to be walking through a desert.  He also said that it is always right after the dry seasons that God pours out the biggest blessings.

Since I had reached the hyperventilation level of blubbering I continued to sob until my emotions ran out.  A short walk and two long hugs later I could breathe easy again and sorrow gave way to an unmistakable rise in hope and thankfulness.

Now I am excited to see what lies at the end of this desert.  And, even though I live an out-of-the-ordinary marriage with my man on the road, I’m so thankful that the love we share is forever deep and that I have a husband who adores me, misses me, calls me often, and encourages me.  Today I count myself so blessed.

The Makings of a Musical Marriage

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My 10 Best Tips

Josh and I have been married for over three years now.  In all honesty our first couple of years were messy.  We were all over the place with selfish expectations and yucky emotional colors.  We are no masters now, by any means, but we have been very intentional about digging deep into a good foundation so that when we do have a disagreement or he’s gone for weeks at a time we don’t tumble down a cliff.  Here are the 10 most important things we’ve learned together so far.

1.  Meet with a group of couples

This is the place where we really started to grow.  I don’t remember how the idea was planted but after Josh and I got married I started feeling lonely.  We moved off campus and he was gone most weekends so I resolved to really hunt for some good friends.

So, one of my ideas was to go to pizza at the Squire with another couple.  That one time meeting turned into a biweekly experience that grew to four couples and now consists of a boisterous group of six couples.

The reason this group meant, and means, so much to us is how much it gives life and clarity to our marriage.  I remember that it was particularly eye-opening and life-giving in the first several weeks we met.  We found that, through story swapping, none of us were crazy for thinking or doing certain things.  This essentially helped bring about a jumping off point to fix various issues and connect in ways we couldn’t before.  I loved that we could enjoy cheese pizza, coke, and a safe space to unintentionally hash out marital life.

2.  Attend church together

Josh and I particularly struggled with this for a while because, as a musician, he leads at a number of churches.  It took us a long time to figure out that it not only was good for us, but especially for me, to feel like I had a “home church.”  Ever since, we’ve attend Willow Creek Church together whenever we can because we love their mission, sermons, and worship but we also have the option of going on Saturday night since Josh usually leads on Sundays whenever he’s home.

3.  Pray together

We started praying together daily a little over a year ago.  We’d committed in stints off and on before that but we were hit hard by provision and God’s presence in our marriage when we committed daily.  I still distinctly remember the first day we’d missed in weeks – we were utter grouches to each other and completely unbearable and amiss.  As soon as we realized that we had missed praying together we laughed it off and snuggled up for some pray time.  Praying together, we’ve found, is perhaps THE MOST important thing we do for our marriage.  It totally grounds us where we ought to be grounded and glues us to each others side in purpose.  A huge gift in praying together too is the whole idea of two or more gathering to pray… we see Gods blessing in our prayers so fast it’s the most incredible experience.

4.  Dig into the Bible together

Josh and I do this a lot less regularly than we used to since we’ve committed to daily praying together, but this experience is also incredible.  God gave you your life partner to help challenge you and grow you in ways you could never reach on your own.  When Josh and I dig into the word together I count myself so blessed to understand the words in a new way because I’m reading it out loud plainly, he’s reading it out loud in his slightly dramatized manner, he’s asking questions, I’m asking questions, he divulges information he’s learned as a pastor’s kid, and I from my childlike faith.  He gave us each other to complete each other in so many ways it’s crazy we never thought we would see fruit of that in Bible study.

5.  Give together

Over the years Josh and I have developed a huge heart for giving.  I remember several years back I was suddenly struck by one of those life-changing sermons about giving.  I couldn’t tell you what the sermon said or where I was or what pastor I was listening to, but I remember leaving feeling so convicted that I hadn’t bothered to tithe once in my life (my parents giving me some quarters doesn’t count I don’t think).  From then on I committed to the 10% tithe and the blessing I’ve seen because of that in my own life, in the lives of others, and the way that’s ushered my heart closer to His has been one of my biggest blessings.  And then I got married and quickly realized that Josh and I had the same heart and it’s been so amazing sharing in that journey together.

6.  Budget

Budget is fitting as the next tip because about a year or two into our marriage we went through Financial Peace University and were able to expand our giving by learning to properly budget.  Plain and simple, I highly recommend going through this program.  It gave Josh and I all the tools to succeed in sound budgeting and all other matters of money that we hadn’t even begun to think about.  I remember thinking before the class that budgeting sounded too scary and official but when we tried it I felt so freed from our money.  All of a sudden I didn’t feel stressed out every time I spent because I was carrying with me the exact amount we allotted to spend (yes we follow the cash envelope system).  It was so freeing to easily spend that money on essentials that I only assumed we couldn’t afford and to not spend that money on impulse items that cluttered our lives before.

7.  Dream together

This is perhaps mine and Josh’s favorite activity.  We love grabbing a cup of coffee and dreaming out our careers, our family, our home, and everything else that is lovely and exciting.  We find this brings us so much joy and hope because we start working towards those dreams as soon as we voice them.  It’s funny how it only takes saying something to turn that incomprehensible dream into something attainable.

8.  Weekly date night

This was one piece of advice we received before getting married that we started in engagement and have stuck to ever since (thank you Alison Calhoun).  We were told that, after marriage, it’s easy to let the days slip away without making time for each other.  Because of our commitment to a date night I can honestly say that I haven’t felt shorted in the quality time bank.  Now, there have certainly been times when we didn’t have a penny to spend on an outing but sometimes those are the best dates because we certainly got very creative!

9.  Serve the other

This is a more recent learning experience.  I remember one day I was starting to boil over at Josh because I was feeling shorted in receiving love.  Then God gently whispered to me that maybe I ought to try pouring my love into him instead of expecting him to fill me up at my every whim.  What I discovered was incredible.  Instead of feeling more drained and undesired I felt so loved because not only was I taking my attention off myself but it inspired Josh to reciprocate thoroughly.

10.  Humility and forgiveness

This lesson is more vague because I am still working on it.  I didn’t know until I got married just how prideful I am.  So, obviously, this flaw doesn’t pair well with marriage and it has been a battle trying to break this in me.  God’s first step was giving me the most humble husband as an example and then making him gentle as well so he can slowly work me out of my pride – one certainly can’t break it with force because stubbornness only becomes more stubborn when threatened.  I am slowly learning to say “I’m sorry,” “it was my fault,” and “I forgive you” quickly.

Minnesota Road Trip: one long car ride and onto one lazy day

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It’s funny that I title this “Minnesota Road Trip” because Josh and I take this trip all the time.  But hey, why not make the trip sound like an adventure?

Despite my protests Josh and I were scheduled leave after he got home from a dragster race with KLOVE on Sunday… at 6pm.  I knew this meant driving in mostly darkness and that I am no longer a young whipper-snapper full of excitement when the words “late night” pass through my ear canals. With the assurances that I wouldn’t have to drive a minute if I didn’t feel up to it, I consented.

Three and half hours into the trip, that’s about halfway, Josh couldn’t push on so I dropped my work and took the wheel for the rest of the trip.

Our radio busted within the first couple hours of the trip so I put in some headphones and plugged myself into my iPhone to jam to some sufficient awakening music.  After a couple hours my posture became increasingly droopy and my eyelids were having trouble withstanding their own weight.  I was pondering pulling over for a late night nap when I saw a sign:

“Hudson 10 miles
St. Paul 31 miles”

With those lovely numbers in sight I had a burst of a second wind and got us through the cities.  The next glitch in the trip was a momentary brain lapse that led us a mile off course.  I was pretty unfazed though and kept my spirits up until the next set back.  We were on 55 and it was 2 am and there were signs for a mandatory detour.  To my dismay this detour took us a good 5 – 7 miles off course and I was fuming.  All of a sudden I was bursting with a sort of rage at Josh for not holding up his end of the deal (after all, I wanted to leave in the morning) and for possibly being responsible for breaking the radio, at myself for causing the first detour, and at the immediate vicinity for existing in a way that took me off course and later into the night.  Of course I take it all out on Josh though.  I sometimes wonder if I will ever manage to point my anger in the right direction or, better yet, get rid of any unrighteous anger altogether.

We are here now in Buffalo, Minnesota.  We relaxed yesterday away and are doing the same this morning before an evening of friends and family.

Citizen Way: we had a single released today

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Last night we did not sleep well.  Just when I have the lights out and I’m snuggled in and just about drifted off to wonderful dreamy land my eyelids start glowing a bluish white.  I pop them open and find Josh working on creating a Facebook post for their single release today.

At 5 am I wake up to yet another bluish white haze interfering with my black eyelids.  I pop them open to find Josh sitting at my desk on the laptop again.  And now that I mention it, I’m not sure what he was doing that time.

At 8:30 am I wake up and stroll out to the kitchen for some peanut butter toast and coffee when I discover, from Josh, that so many encouraging friends have already added the song into their collection.

30 minutes later he states they are at the 40 something place on the iTunes Christian charts.

30 minutes later he states they are at the 30 something place on the iTunes Christian charts.

30 minutes later he states they are crossing the 30 threshold.

30 minutes later he states they are officially across the 30 threshold and I ask if he will get anything else done today.  He said he might not.

30 minutes ago he got home from teaching some guitar lessons and I find out they are teetering on spot 26, competing with Jamie Grace’s “Hold Me.”

This is what marked the progress in our day today.  And now he’s making us some banana bread.

Musings of a Musician’s Wife: what it takes.

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Marrying a musician throws you into a whole different ball game of marital learnings.  Not everyone could be married to a musician and make it, and I couldn’t be married to an Army man and make it.  I reserve those women married to our men serving our country as sort of saint-like wives.  When Josh is gone I am not worried about him getting killed, injured, taken hostage, or otherwise permanently changed.  I am not even worried about the fanatic, adoring, gawking women that cross his path.  All I have to do is endure the times when he’s gone by managing aloneness and holding the fort down and be sane enough by the end of the latest stint to do my best to give him the best homecoming I can manage.  However, here are the things I’ve had to learn in the past two an a half years to survive and thrive in such a marital lifestyle.

1.  Don’t cry little wife.  In our first year (actually, more literally, our first few months) I collapsed to bits every time Josh left for his weekend stints away.  We were wed in October and January marks the beginning of “retreat season” for the guys.  This means from then until April they are gone most weekends.  I most simply became a sort of blubbering mess, I think just out of immediate loneliness.  It’s like when you’re first in love and you have to go home from college for the summer.  Especially in the first moments of arriving at your long distance separation prison it feels almost as if your heart has been stretched across the distance and it aches simply because of the strain of surviving such an ailment.  When two are made one this distance suddenly becomes ten times longer.

2.  Put out that anger fire little wife.  Simply because he was not with me aroused this sort of fire-breathing, nasty wench.  The anger swooped in from left field, side swiped me and I was left staggering around the house in a fit of fury at nothing in particular.  So of course I took it out on Josh.  Apparently sometimes loneliness turns into frustrated fury.

3.  Don’t let that jealous monster eat you up little wife.  Josh gets to travel to all these cool places now.  In high school I thought it was my mission in life to see the world.  Instead, I daily travel from work to home then listen to my husband describe the world to me.  Fortunately, I also am doing what I love and it also allows, on occasion, a trip to somewhere different.

4.  Don’t let the money blow away little wife.  Perhaps the most recently frustrating and troublesome responsibility to take hold of me in our newest season of longer Josh absences is maintaining all there is in life.  In March the guys traveled to Nashville to record their single.  It was the end of the month.  Suddenly all the bills came in, half of which Josh normally took care of and I still had to wrap up the month of work and payroll along with daily dishes and weekly laundry.  Suddenly I was in way over my head.  This area I am still navigating but we have put be completely in charge of the finances, even making of them for now, and I’ve worked out most of the bugs.  To survive I’m really going to have to stay on top of my game and make sure that there’s money in the bank before paying the bills then pay the bills then handle the other bills.

5.  Hold up that house little wife.  As mentioned slightly in the previous marital requirement of a musician’s spouse, one of my other full time jobs is keeping the house spiffy.  Josh is a Mr. Clean.  When he’s home he does the dishes, laundry, and makes me food.  Those tasks have a lot more weight with me now than they did four months ago.  Pile those trivial tasks on with more than a full time job, handling the finances, and emotionally maintaining oneself you’ve got one wife barely keeping her face out of the water.  My method of solving my drowning predicament: routine.  I’ve found that managing life gets much simpler with a rhythm.  It’s like the drummer in the band of me.  Keeps me structured and on time.  Tidying is done before heading off to work along with walking the dogs, making the bed, packing my lunch and dinner, and walking the dogs, giving the dogs bones to gnaw on so they don’t destroy the place from boredom.  When I get home its all about getting the dogs out to relieve themselves and putting food in my belly.  Just before bed, it’s dishes and tidying up and only then may I lay down and catch some zzz’s.

All in all, what I’ve learned makes a musician’s wife is a woman of independence and responsibility who falls madly in love with a man who also loves music.  But not the type of madly that elicits frequent blubbering, fits of rage, and wallowing in jealous self-pity.