Musings of a Musician’s Wife: Remembering

Posted on December 11, 2012 by Kaia Calhoun

THE BEGINNING On Thursday, December 6, 2012 at 7:29pm I had a four-minute phone call with my mom that left me sobbing for the remainder of my drive home. Her story was of the grim outlook on my grandma’s health situation. So grim, in fact, that my mom isn’t certain if she’ll make it to Christmas. The instant wave of grief shook me to the core and brought all my loss from the past five years flooding in from the hidden crevices of my brain. An iron first started clenching my heart like it was some sick game to see how much pain I could handle.

YEAR ONE: Sam

It was my freshman year of college when I felt my first loss. I was a mere two months into the semester when my friend Sam got into a car accident involving a semi that ultimately claimed his life only one short week later. I remember so many crystal clear moments between the night after the accident and the end of that semester.

I remember the first phone call. I remember the phone call. I remember making a road trip to Colorado with Robb, Jimmy, and Josh with our last-minute trip change to end us in Minnesota for Sam’s funeral. I remember on specific moment of paralyzing sadness.

Sam was a fun-loving young man with bouncing brown curly hair, a contagious, room-filling laugh, a huge heart to serve, and the biggest and brightest wide-mouthed smile. Sam loved the Lord.

YEAR TWO: Tony

I was halfway around the world and halfway through my spring semester as a sophomore when I got a call from Kelsey Telling me our friend, Tony, hung himself in a bedroom closet at a party.

I couldn’t make it back from Africa for the funeral.

Tony Had the air of California surfer dude, playing it chill all day every day, but with long brown hair and a guitar rather than a surf board. I sift through my plethora of memories hoping to pull one out that would bring me peace about Tony’s eternity but instead I am left regretting never having led him to the Lord myself.

YEAR THREE: Ben

I don’t remember how I was told. But I know that my first news was that Ben was missing. The story is that he was camping with a group of friends when he randomly boarded a canoe and paddled out into the darkness of night. After a few long days of searching they found him at the bottom of the lake.

Josh and I traveled to Minnesota once again for another funeral.

Ben was shy around me at first due to a crush but I found him inclined to let me fill up the space with as many or as few words as I needed. He was a brilliant writer with long, spirally orange locks and a persistent twinkle in his eye.

YEAR FOUR: Rick

We moved into the lower apartment of Rick’s house the summer after Josh and I wed. That November we found out Rick was sick with Esophageal and Liver cancer. His footsteps upstairs grew sparse then went quiet. That’s when we found out Rick was admitted to the hospital.

I visited unannounced and on a whim one day. My heart longed to know Rick found the Lord before his end. I wrote him a letter and brought it up to his room with me. His dad was there and the shadow of a man lying in the hospital bed was almost unrecognizable – he looked like a concentration camp victim. That was the last time I saw Rick.

Less than a week later Josh and I trekked out to Romeoville for the funeral. It broke my heart because there were only about 20 people there and the couple of people who shared words didn’t actually have much to say.

Rick believed he was a lost cause and he was so full of regret he thought himself far from love and unforgivable. He was a determined strong man both in will and in strength but he also had a loving soft spot that I got a little slice of every now and then. His wrinkled face told of the life of battle and loss and regret but his blue eyes clung to kindness.

YEAR FIVE: Grandpa Bud

Josh and I got a call from my mom that Grandpa was at his end. We packed up immediately and hit the long 7 hour road. In the end we missed Grandpa by 20 minutes.

About a week later Josh and I sang at the funeral.

Grandpa Bud was a gentle loving and giving old man. Many spoke of his legacy of generosity but what I loved most about him was his stark white hair, boyish grin, and the way he always called me “love.”

YEAR SIX: Tundra

My childhood best friend left me this fall. Just a week or so before I got to see her and that experience alone broke my heart. She could barely breathe but she didn’t know it so in her excitement of seeing me she nearly coughed up a lung.

Even then I had known it was the last time I would snuggle my first baby. I still remember visiting the litter of puppies with my heart full of promise. Tundra won my over instantly. She was too shy, scared, and quiet for anyone else but found something safe in me. I grew up telling her all of my growing pain and cried, many a time, into her fluffy white mane.

Tundra was an emotional dog with a lot of love to give and a permanent smile.

THE END The hardest part of any loss is the aching hole left by the love longing to reach out to the one lost. I guess on the brink of another loss I find the need to reflect on all of it. Death is only a part of the pattern of life. But my heart so longs for the certainty that all of my loved ones are founded in faith so I can await sharing in the heavenly celebration with them.

Musings of a Musician’s Wife: tripping up on my trip to MN for Thanksgiving

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Kaia Calhoun

The night before my trip my goal was to arrive early for Holly’s baby shower. The morning of my trip my goal was to arrive slightly early. Fifteen minutes after I should have left to arrive on time my goal was to get there on time.

No mad dash by any means because no matter how hard you try a 6.5 hour drive does not turn into 3 or even 6 in most cases. So I made my way through the patches of construction and wide open county starting at 6:30am with coffee settled in next to me, furniture, luggage and dogs secure in the back and an entrancing British voice coming through my speakers reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone to me.

Finally I veered of my regular course to head south for Holly’s baby shower. It looked as though I was still going to be late but only by about ten minutes.

And then my phone died.

Ironically, in a five second gap I had checked the miles to my next turn, set my phone down, and picked it back up again to memorize the last steps (realizing the charge wouldn’t last me the remainder of the trip). To my demise that brief interval left me stranded. I plugged the phone in knowing the charger didn’t work. I proceeded to drive down my road hoping for a gas station or somewhere I could plug my phone in. I remembered I had about 6 miles left on this road so I was hoping I wouldn’t add even more travel time to my day by having to pass my next street. I first pulled into a random recycling warehouse to look for an outdoor outlet. I was hoping to side step some big embarrassment by charging in peace because in order to do so I was going to have to plug my 27″ desktop mac into an outlet to plug my USB from the computer to my phone to get a charge. Yes, I forgot my outlet phone charger and car charger.

No such luck at the random warehouse so I hopped back on my fateful road. My next stop was a dinky gas station with no regular parking. I took a risk and parked in a spot that said “unauthorized users will be towed at the owners expense.” I huffed and puffed all the way into the store and asked the man behind the counter if he, by chance, had a USB charger. No of course so then I asked if he might have a phone I could borrow. In good ‘ol small town Minnesota fashion he proceeds to lend me his personal phone and I dial my mom… three times because this guy’s phone and my fingers had a battle getting the correct numbers to push.

Side note: upon the first fail I exit out of the dial screen to find a half naked lady as the backdrop. And now I’m thinking… great, I have a pervert helping me.

Finally I get the number punched in right and my mom doesn’t answer. So, I move on to option number three: embarrassment. I ask the guy if I can bring my computer, plug it in, and charge my phone via the USB there. He consents and I haul my gigantic case sideways through the teensy gas station doors.

I get my Mac turned on with out taking it out of the bag to the amazement of my unfazed helper and then I wait. Mind you, I’m waiting behind the front desk so the influx of customers can easily see the flustered girl and strange scenario unfolding next to the clerk.

Ten minutes and fifteen customers later my phone finally turns on and I, as quickly as I can, jot down the rest of the directions to the shower. I simply laugh incredulously when I discover I am no more than three blocks from the house.

In the end I am 45 minutes late and haven’t missed a thing. No games or presents have happened. Thank you Minnesota for your laid back residents.

THE END

Musings of a Musician’s Wife: I AM WOMAN

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Kaia Calhoun

This week was the true test of my wifely colors. It marked the first of many long trips to come.

All week I hauled, I edited 2 sessions and 2 weddings, did two shoots, and started my “project: interior design.” All of this on top of some freelance gigs, social interaction, business meetings, and tending to the dogs and the house. I was a determined woman and I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do everything by myself and do it oh so well.

I took this so far that I single-handedly hauled a full sized, all wood desk from the garage in the backyard into the front room of our house. Looking back I can’t help but think that anyone watching had to be hysterical at the sight of me.

To paint you a picture, I slid some mittens on my hands for padding, spread my wings all the way across the length of the desk, awkwardly stradled the massive piece on my thighs, and waddled my way up the driveway. I think I made it about five big steps each time before I set the desk back down to assess the situation. Each time I concluded there really was not only no better way but no other way so I would proceed until they next five step stop.

Eventually I made it to the porch and hoisted the desk up the length of the three stairs but I reached the maximum hoist before the “only useful on flat surfaces” desk wheels reached the top step. I circled the piece over and over again until I simply gave into strength and suddenly the desk was on the porch and I was swerving the piece up to the front door. My next hurdle was getting my one man show to get the desk over the threshold. It was a multiple maneuver endeavor but I did it. The first half of the desk was in the house. It was at this point an Asian man, literally off the street, appeared on my porch and asked if I needed help. I was thinking “sure, now you show up, you would have been way more useful ten minutes ago.” I said “too bad you weren’t here five minutes ago, but if you could just pop that wheel over the threshold I’m home free.” He did and disappeared again.

The next day, and still today, I have bruises lining my upper thighs but I think I am proud of them 😉

And now, as I write this story, I am sitting at my fully established desk.

THE END

Musings of a Musician’s Wife: doggie toe nail clipping day turns sour

Posted on October 27, 2012 by Kaia Calhoun

So I have been listening to the clickety clack of some little doggie toe nails for so long I don’t even notice the noise anymore. I used to religiously trim Haley’s nails but realized that they didn’t appear to get any longer after a certain point and when I trimmed they would still click around because her blood vessels and growth part of the toe nail reach so far out I could only trim an teensy bit off.

But today I was wearing a sweater and each time Sam put his little paws on my arm he would draw out another string. So after a full day of this my sweater was thoroughly ruined and I resolved to trimming their nails. I started with Haley because she’s my champ and I successfully got through one paw and one toe when the seventh toe I worked on started bleeding like crazy. Haley’s such a tough kid she didn’t even make a peep she just gently pulled her paw away from me and gave me her puppy eyes. If you haven’t experienced her puppy eyes, they are killer.

I went into mommy panic mode. I paced the house like a mad woman as she proceeded to jump onto every upholstered piece of furniture. Poor thing was so startled by my behavior but I had to keep scolding her off the furniture for fear of her bleeding everywhere. Naturally she just thought she was in trouble even though it was my fault. So as I continued to frantically scour the house for a first aid kit she sat in the middle of the living room floor trembling. Finally I called Josh (he’s been gone for a week) asking where the first aid kit was and he replied that we no longer had one.

Bother.

I took another good look at her toe with my iPhone dangling in my mouth giving me nice bright light from my flashlight app. Part of the nail was still attached but it was only hinged so I had to get it off. After I got it off I noticed the bleeding mostly stemmed and that the cause might have been cutting it too short but it also could have been the split up her toe nail that was created by the pressure of the trimmers. So I figured super glue was now my best option to seal that shut to prevent it from opening at any time and bleeding all over again.

I found my super glue and tried my hardest to make the mostly dried substance adhere but to no avail. So grabbed the crappy blanket, the only item Haley got any blood on (thankfully), scooped Sam up (no time for fussing with leashes and a harness and he can’t be trusted), and got the dogs out the door and in the car for a trip to Target. For some reason I felt safer keeping Haley with me…

I was a girl on a mission so I got a first aid kit (for next time) and some super glue and made the rescue journey home. Once inside again my obedient little patient let me paint her little toe nail securely with super glue and sat through a good couple of minutes of me holding her paw and blowing on it so I wouldn’t find all the dust and hair in the house neatly attached to her wounded toe.

When all was said and done I gave them a treat and snapped this picture to show the end of the tale.

Musings of a Musician’s Wife: a wedding to remember

Posted on October 21, 2012 by Kaia Calhoun

“Should’ve Been Me” sounded from my phone at exactly 8 am yesterday morning. Josh and I drowsily scooped ourselves out of bed to scuttle over to Panera for an early morning date before a long day of work for both of us. I was due for a wedding in Milwaukee and Josh was due for a gig… somewhere ;).

I ordered their Steel Cut Oatmeal, which is delightful, and Josh got a cup of hazelnut coffee. To my surprise, I met Mark, my Cornerstone boss, just one table over and exchanged brief cordials before resuming our respective conversations – he with a client and me with my beloved. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was wondering why I was hanging out at Panera with Josh when I was doing a wedding that afternoon.

Ok, a moment of brief explanation: Cornerstone Photography is a wedding photography company that I do some contract work for in addition to the work I do with my own business a Sunshine Moment, yesterday’s wedding so happened to be a Cornerstone occurrence.

I parted with Josh to have plenty of time to get to my first location for the wedding day, “Ann’s House,” yet, somehow, I was dreadfully late… go figure. But at the same time this provided my first glimpse of how fantastic this day was going to be. When I arrived Donna was bundle of calm – a better setting for her would have been for her to be sitting on a dock dangling her toes in tepid lake water with a cup of steaming coffee in hand with the sun just peeking over and onto the glass-like water. The sight before me was that same girl but instead of that peaceful setting she was that peaceful setting – even though she was in the middle of a party of gossamer, make-up and hair clips.

Onward into the day, after taking care of bridal detail at the house I headed to the ceremony site, St. Anthony Catholic Church. After a brief search I found the groom, William, and he proceeded to explain the ceremony to me because they were taking the traditional Latin Catholic Mass approach.

Just before the ceremony I watched the bride tearfully embrace her sister. The tears were for great joy at the sight of her stunning younger sister and for their belated mother. Donna had her mother’s broach pinned to her bouquet so it not only was stunning but so sentimental.

The ceremony opened with an angelic cantor singing from the balcony. His voice reverberated off the ornate vaulted ceilings and penetrated my heart. When Donna entered the aisle I really had to contain myself. The beauty of the space, the sound, and the bride before me was almost too much to handle. Yes, even after dozens of weddings, the bride entering the room still usually sets me emotionally out of balance but even if it wasn’t a common occurrence this wedding day still would have shaken me. I felt I was so undeserving to be surrounded by such beauty and purity.

Dipping back into the early church was an incredible journey. I’ve mentioned the breathtaking beauty of the space and of the bride and the penetrating music but there also was this smell that was other-worldly. I had intended on asking the bishop what the scent was… frankincense… myrrh… but I forgot to. All I know is it too was heavenly!

For the evening festivities the scene was Audubon Nature Center. This gorgeous plethora of fall colors wrapped up in the blissful quiet lakescape of Lake Michigan. I got started on bridal party pictures straight away. I had the girls lined up with the faint lakescape in the very background, tall trees with pretty leaves in the nearer background, and the full spectrum of floral color just behind them. After a few more stops I dismissed the bridal party and hopped on some sort of golf cart, mini car contraption and we made for the lakeshore.

Breathtaking.

The evening was filled with familiar and unfamiliar festivities. They had the first dance though in a formal waltz, the toasts all normally and extraordinarily wonderful, the food ordinarily delightful and free but also full of veggies (stuffed portobello mushroom, parsnip puree, and roasted asparagus) – the vegetarian dream. The bride and groom closed their time with me in a contra dance. It was my first experience with one and I thought it was such a cool way to share a dance with the friends you hold most dear!

I walked out of the reception hall so refreshed and full of life and excited to get home and see my husband but the intensely captivating silence that surrounded me as soon as I walked out the door beckoned me to sit on my car and moon-gaze for a dreamy twenty minutes. When my twenty minutes were up the quiet was a bussle with distant party noise, street traffic, rustling leaves, and a hooting owl – my senses were peaked and my quiet time was over.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, I love that every new wedding brings new life to me in a new and different way every time. I do love my job 🙂