A Big Stroke of Pride and a Little Touch of Grace

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

Tonight Josh and I decided to try out the Midweek service at Willow Creek Community Church. We were tardy so worship had already started.

Today I hadn’t managed to take a picture yet so I brought my camera and resolved to get that out of the way before we even sat down. I paused at the back of the sanctuary, so as not to disrupt or distract anyone, and before I could even remove my lens cap I was reprimanded. I think the woman came over to ask me a question but as soon as she saw my camera all she had to say was something like, “no pictures.” Then she walked away. Three things crossed my mind all at once:

“In today’s age? I bet you someone is taking a picture with their iPhone right now.”
“Ouch.”
“I think I might just leave now.”

I was flabbergasted at her audacity to ask me not to take a pictures. I honestly didn’t think cameras were forbidden anywhere but a few select places anymore, and I didn’t think Willow Creek (the land of escalators, a vast assortment of stage lights, electric guitars, and videographers) would be one of them. It is the age of the smart phone.

Her words struck a big, “do not touch” Kaia button. I don’t handle reprimanding very well. I take it personally.

I was utterly crushed. Now, you might be thinking, come on Kaia, grow some thick skin. Well, I didn’t run out of the room crying and remain sobbing in the bathroom for hours and that is big for me. Because, when I was a kid, if I EVER got reprimanded it was the end of the world. I would stow myself away in my room, broken to bits, for hours. Even when my parents repeatedly tried to coax me out of my crushing self-loathing I remained. Am I sensitive? I guess you could say that.

Now-a-days, I grit my teeth and let the parade of negative thoughts scream in my brain while remaining utterly silent on the exterior.

The rest of the service was tainted. I tried to sing along with the worship songs but I couldn’t even open my mouth. I tried to pray but I couldn’t focus. I tried to listen to the message and, at best, I retained scraps.

I thought about leaving. I had a somewhat sick, mild satisfaction when we did, indeed, exit the doors we had come through before “no pictures.” An evil part of me was thinking, “good, I hope you think you deterred me from church.” But, in fact, we just went upstairs to sit in the balcony because there was noticeably more space.

I literally spent THE REST of the service mulling over the whole situation. I went through all sorts of waves of emotions ranging from self-degradation, self-loathing, bitterness, anger, alienation, and nothing. I rehearsed several different versions of conversing with her over in my head, ranging from confrontation to blessing. In the end, I just let it go.

This whole experience shed a lot of light into a lot of dark places in my heart though. I was disgusted to find that, even though I grew up in the church and follow Christ faithfully, I was so quick to judge that woman and dismiss the church service. And because of that I suddenly stepped into the shoes of a unbeliever stepping into the church for the first time. I was horrified to think of that woman approaching a unbeliever that way. She was the only person that uttered a word to me the whole hour and a half I was there and the best she had was “no pictures.” Of course I know the church has problems and we are only people, but I know so many unbelievers who don’t know that and expect perfection of Christians. They, most likely, would not be forgiving or be willing to try a second time. And I wouldn’t blame them.

As my range of thoughts and feelings rampaged around there were a few clear and good ones.

I contemplated what I might have done differently if I were that woman, knowing what I know now. I would have either not bothered with the camera, I mean really, or I would have gone ahead and informed 24-year-old me, but I wouldn’t have kept my words so patronizing and curt; I would have explained why “no pictures” briefly and asked if I could help find some seating for the young couple. My raging defenses would have been tamed if she’d shown a little love within the interaction.

I also contemplated myself and how irrationally my head was spinning. It took some convincing and a little prodding from the Holy Spirit but I slowly realized that she was probably just trying to serve, to do her job, and if I were going to do mine and show the grace God so frequently gives me… well I would have to let the matter go, forgive and forget, and see if I can’t withstand crumbling underneath criticism so rapidly and thoroughly next time. I became painfully aware of my own fault and I think its name is pride.

So, here’s to moving forward 🙂

Until next time,

Kaia Calhoun

P.S. And now I have to go take a picture 😉 And… if you haven’t already, check out my 100th blog post HERE! There’s a little surprise waiting for you there (eh hem… a giveaway drawing).

It’s My Mom’s Birthday!

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

Today is my Mom’s Birthday! And in honor of her I am going to tell you a favorite memory with her.

There are a few memories that stand out above them all… my mom tends to be HILARIOUS when under the influence of her sleeping medication, she is a riot while playing any game (especially our game of UNO while we were in Lochness, Scotland) and she is the perfect road trip buddy when faced with unknown territory and no navigation. One such road trip occurrence happened on our epic California trip in the summer of 2010. This trip took us from San Francisco to Napa Valley and all the way down to Los Angeles. We delighted in wine country, mother-daughter time, and Hollywood in good company.

On our last day near San Francisco I resolved to make it into the heart of city before we left for Los Angeles. My mom committed to making it happen. So after a morning spent by the pool watching my second cousin in her swim competition we grabbed our rental car and hit the pavement.

When we reached the city limits, just off the bridge, our Garmin died. For the next 40 minutes we putted along on Embarcadero Drive. Why do I remember that street name you ask? Because we were on a 1.5 mile road for 40 MINUTES. I also must mention that we were on a time crunch. With an hour budgeted to hang in the city before we had to be off to get me to a photo shoot our time was cut to 15 minutes by the time we parked which meant walked up a wharf, stared at the Golden Gate bridge and Alcatraz off far, far away, then walked back up the wharf and drove the 50 minutes back to Orinda.

With my mom though, I loved this adventure. We mostly spent that 40 minutes of stuck in-between people and more people on that dreadful road laughing about it and dreaming up our blog-worthy story 🙂

I wrote a blog post about this experience a while back and, if you’re interested, you may CLICK HERE to read the original story and see all the pictures from that day 🙂

Also, if you haven’t already… check out my 100th Blog Post HERE! Psst… I’m having a giveaway drawing over there

My Dog Peed All Over My Bed

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

On the eve of Wednesday, January 30, 2013 I walked into my bedroom to snuggle up and read before getting some rest when my hands grabbed a wad of soaked pillow. Thankfully I did not sit in the mess, but my littlest dog, Sam, thoroughly drenched the top half of the bed. Also, thankfully, we keep a mattress pad on the bed so even though he drenched every layer of bedding he did not succeed at penetrating through to the mattress.

I find it ironic how things like this happen at the worst of times. In this case I was in the middle of readjusting to having someone living in my house. I have found that whenever Josh comes home from any music venture that lasts more than two nights I am fumbling to readjust to marriage when he gets home. This day counted in that category as he had only been home for a couple of days after a week and a half away so we were re-navigating conversation as husband to wife, and visa versa, rather than boy to boy (in Josh’s case) and me to no one – see, Josh had spent that week and a half in a van of boys and I had spent that time mostly in isolation (sitting here at my desk with the dogs lingering around me).

So we were in the middle of some passive aggressive stand-off about something I can’t remember when I discovered the wreaking mess. And, since I was the fateful discoverer, I was the one to cover my hands with pee as I stuffed the washer full once, then again as I merely hoped against complete destruction of the feather pillow. Worst part was I couldn’t even properly scold the pup because I didn’t see him do it (and dogs aren’t the best at associating a good nose rub in pee with a “do not ever do again” message and he’s just so pathetically adorable I find it impossible to stay mad at him for long. In fact, I ended up just taking his picture instead.

Wednesday Words: Walking through a Desert

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

Today my world suddenly crumbled beneath me. I can’t specifically pin what started it but all I know is I suddenly, involuntarily succumbed to messy tears. To say the least, nothing was going right and I was feeling significantly lack luster in my line of work.

I stumble outside, hop in my car, turn the ignition .. some whiny noises then the clicking sound of death. She was not going to start. I marched to our other vehicle and she hesitantly gave way to life.

I headed on my way to meet some girl friends at Starbucks while popping in at various establishments to accomplish some errands while in transit. At none of these places did I get helped by anyone I’ve made friends with, nor anyone that was particularly kind; I realized later that was for the best because with my dam threatening to break a kind word would have meant my overflow. So, I made it to the post office, the bank and Starbucks intact; however, I was slowly breaking and my last shred of will power almost crumpled while waiting for the barista to finish my hot chocolate. The girls didn’t pay notice to me except for Erin who simply said she’d meet me back at their place because there were too many of us to fit at Starbucks. Again, thankful nothing else was said because it surely would have meant my end.

I trudged to my car again and felt my face shattering along the way. I hurried my fanny onto my driver’s seat, shut the door, and sobbed. My phone rang and I proceeded to hastily blubber to Josh that I didn’t want to talk and I would talk to him later or something.

“But I kind of need to talk.”

“Fine, you can talk but I don’t want to so I’ll just listen.”

Of course, after he opened up about his trying day I was able to calm my inner storm enough to share my trouble with him.

I had to pop into UPS to drop a package off so we had a brief conversational interval and I’m fairly certain the other customer in the store and the clerk could tell I had been crying but I was all too aware there was nothing I could do about it.

When I got back in the car I spilled over again and was starting to reach hyperventilation.

I finally reached the bottom line of it all in our conversation, I was so lonely I felt sick and I was struck by the realization that with my husband out saving souls with their ministry my job of photography felt utterly meaningless.

It amazes me how, so often in our marriage, he knows just what to say. This time he simply told me he understood and that he knows what it’s like to be walking through a desert. He also said that it is always right after the dry seasons that God pours out the biggest blessings.

Since I had reached the hyperventilation level of blubbering I continued to sob until my emotions ran out. A short walk and two long hugs later I could breathe easy again and sorrow gave way to an unmistakable rise in hope and thankfulness.

Now I am excited to see what lies at the end of this desert. And, even though I live an out-of-the-ordinary marriage with my man on the road, I’m so thankful that the love we share is forever deep and that I have a husband who adores me, misses me, calls me often, and encourages me. Today I count myself so blessed.

Confession of a Musician’s Wife

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Kaia Calhoun

I can’t sleep, my stomach is in knots, and, as of yesterday, I’m prone to random swells of tears. My husband is leaving on a long trip and now that it’s crunch time I do not seem to be faring well.

Citizen Way is going on tour, first with Mike’s Chair then with Big Daddy Weave and Chris August. He leaves tomorrow and the tour goes until May.

As I am, once again, awake in the wee hours of the morning I am pondering my creeping sadness I slowly realized that perhaps I feel ill and find it utterly impossible to go to sleep, and then to stay asleep past 2:30am, because my heart is already broken and I am in a sort of state of mourning. I already feel lonely and he’s literally sleeping right behind me.

Before I surrendered to my wakefulness today I lay in bed for about an hour thinking on my ridiculousness when suddenly it dawned on me that perhaps I’m not crazy for feeling torn up at the prospect of being left behind by the one that holds my heart. Even though my mission in life was not to wed but to roam the world with my camera in hand for magazines like Life, Time, and National Geographic I find that the independent woman I was before Josh isn’t quite so tough anymore. I kept trying to give myself the pep talk I would always give myself in my friendless elementary and middle school years, “buck up Kaia, stop being a wimp.” But instead I found myself realizing that even if I didn’t have Josh I would at least have a roommate. And then I realized that I could only think of one other person I know that lives alone and that they happen to be miserable. So, maybe I am not wrong for fretting about a new unknown territory in the land of loneliness I am venturing into. I’m worried about the colors it will bring out in me. I’m worried I’ll succumb to moping around the house and spending my waking hours staring bug-eyed at my TV as I seek comfort in every Disney movie I own. I’m worried I’ll either get so lost in this world of loneliness that I’ll forget to eat and take care of myself and our home. And I’m worried that my friends will be too busy for a temporarily widowed woman. All this, coming from the girl who so boldly declared she would be perfectly fine on her own during this long tour, is a bit unsettling. And perhaps I’m being ridiculous, but, like I said, I simply don’t know what to expect.

This is quite a lot to tell the world on a blog, but, lets face it, you’ve made it to the end so apparently you were interested. And, as I thought about my feelings and how I was due to write a FACT or FUN blog today, I realized all I really wanted and should do is tell this tale. Because, not only is this story heavy on my heart, it is the very reason I committed to blogging; I set out to honestly share what the reality of doing life with a member of a touring Christian rock band is like. The idea was born over breakfast at Benedict’s with Papa Calhoun, Joshua, and Brother Ben. We decided I should tap into the stories that come out of band life – whether on the road or back at home with the wives and children. We all decided they are the kinds of stories we would love to hear from our favorite famous people and that perhaps we should divulge for Citizen Way’s friends and fans.

So, here you have it, the truth that rests at the pit of my stomach and the reality of Josh’s work.

Blessings on whatever journey you find yourself on!