Written in September 2017.
You amaze me. You have a knack for picking up on the most important of life lessons with ease, sometimes without much coaching from me. One day I said “I forgive you” to you instead of “it’s ok” or the like. I chose “I forgive you” that day because I did want to teach you that concept and I also understood that because you are so much like your daddy that those words would become very important to you. That first time struck a chord and I never even had to explain the meaning of the phrase. You simply understood. And, just like I suspected, you have needed those words ever since.
Tonight, when tucking you in to bed, we were talking about your day. My new favorite question to ask is “what did you like about today?” You animatedly listed off your favorite things when suddenly your arm randomly flew at my face and your finger poked me so hard in the eye that my contact popped out. I said “owe” while wincing at the pain of the blow. You kept saying sorry but I didn’t register the repetition until I was already making my way out of your bed. You said, “Mommy, do you forgive me?” I said yes, the told you I’d be right back after I fixed my contact.
You have been saying “Mommy, do you forgive me?” for every one of your offenses, big and small, ever since. Your need to be forgiven and to hear it explicitly stated as such strikes me hard in the pit of my heart. There’s an innocence to your request and this indescribable purity and beauty to it that leaves my heart only aching every time. Each time you utter that phrase I’m equal parts sad and proud at the same time. I’m so proud of your heart and how you naturally grab on to the heart of God at every turn. I pray that the question isn’t a sign that you think you’re beyond forgiveness but that you simply need to hear that you’re not. I pray you say it every time not because you doubt my love for you in those moment but that you simply need the fullness of the reconciliation that comes with those words. But, most of all, I pray I can adequately show you I will always forgive you.
With all my heart,