Ever since I got pregnant with Penny I find myself in a kind of mourning. I can’t even put a name to it. A title. But basically my heart is so sad for you and that my time is largely pulled away from you. It feels like I spend my whole day either tending to Penny’s constant needs or catching the Penny-free moments to do tasks I have on my list. My list is important to me. But you are far more important. I pray you know that to your core always. That you are the most important “task” I have to do every day.
I want to say sorry to you several times a day for not having, or making, the time for you like I feel I should, or could, or would if I didn’t have Penny demanding me at all times. You are so sweet and understanding and somehow don’t lash out. The love you have for her and me is so full and selfless it amazes me. But I can’t help but think you hurt. Inside that beautiful exterior and beyond that sweetness I sense there has to be a yearning for more quality time with your mom.
It’s so strange for me to be at war with myself on the inside. On the one side I have a cute, sweet baby to tend to that should captivate me the most right? But on the other I have my best friend ever so sweetly asking me to play with her or snuggle with her or watch her go poopy (some of your favorite social time). I always want to play with my best friend over answer the demands of the baby. But answer the cries of the baby I must and I’m left telling you for the millionth time, “sorry honey I have to help Penny.”
I keep telling myself it will get easier. That the older Penny gets the more even my time will be split between you two and you won’t inherently inherit the shaft. I pray that it will get easier.
With all my heart,